.tied up.

Monday, October 25, 2004

faded tears.

i've struggled for so long.
should i?
should i not?
must i?
can i not?
it all boiled down to today.
now that everyone knows my plight.
i can openly talk about it.
i miss you.
i miss my team.
i really do.
last night.
as i wrote little short notes to my teammates.
my heart sank.
the reality of it all hit me.
i'm quitting.
i'm really quitting.
no more canoeing.
no more dragonboating.
my life.
my team.
my family.
gone?
gone.
when i wrote to jiajia.
the memories of us just flooded through my mind.
times we capsized.
times we rowed our hearts our.
the time we did our best sprint.
the time we first rowed 2k without capping.
the joy we felt when we rowed out of the bay.
the excitement we had when we first tried to get into our k.
everything.
everything just came pouring in.
i miss you.
i really miss training with you.
running with you.
cheering with you.
swimming with you.
doing push ups.
gymming with you.
doing sit ups.
circuits.
dry rowing.
pull ups.
rowing.
lapping.
sprinting.
capping.
laughing.
praying.
talking.
smiling.
hugging.
shaking hands.
doing silly things.
shaking our butts.
heehee.
jiajia.
i can't help but feel like i've let you down.
i'm sorry.

My Canoeing Log
first day:
ultra tiring warm ups.
crazy run.
weird cheering.
dreaded circuits.
...
SDBA:
catering food.
stuffing food into our tummies.
eating bananas.
eating more bananas.
eating lots of bananas.
loving bananas.
cheering hard.
sitting and watching the races.
enjoying the moment.
...
Prep for Dboat Nats and June Fest:
dragonboating.
more dragonboating.
desserts.
long runs.
painful push ups. (eeky floor)
getting the stroke right.
getting the pace right.
cheering our hearts out.
let's go! let's go!
all the way ah! all the way ah!
keeya! haasah!
keeya! haasah!
feel the breeze ah! (echo)
feeling fresher! (echo)
one team! one team!
one mind! one mind!
one stroke! one stroke!
ac stroke! ac stroke!
i love the adrenaline rush of dragonboating.
the spirit amongst us.
the power in every stroke.
i love dragonboating with you.
...
Dragonboat Nats & June Fest:
the wonder of it all.
second for both.
amazing.
record breaking.
spirit lifting.
tears of joy.
happiness.
praying.
even with the little friction.
it made us stronger.
the eating parade.
the smelly toilets.
i love rowing with you.
...
Prep for Canoeing Nats:
painful.
waxing the boats.
tapping my paddle.
brasca 3.
all black.
i love my paddle.
i love the low acsi seats
both blue and yellow.
i love poseidon.
(nah i still don't really like nameless)
hee.
i love training with you.
...
Canoeing Nats:
amazing.
rowing with jiajia.
finishing the race.
not capping.
an experience.
i love you.
watching everyone of u row.
cheering my heart out.
praying.
petals around the rose.
(:
hee.
the hammock.
the big tree.
the morning walks.
the eating parade.
cheering somemore.
i love rowing with you.
...
season's over.
i love my team.
to all of you.
jia you.
you guys must stay strong.
stay bonded.
stay together.
stay focused.
strengthen each other.
love one another.
help each other.
support one another.
let's go!
i'll see u guys at SDBA.
i'll see you guys at Nats.
i'll see you guys at regatta.
i'll see you guys at june fest.
i'll be there.
i'll try my bestest i promise.
i miss you all.
i miss training.
i miss our cheering.
i miss the encouragement.
i miss the runs.
the warm ups.
i miss being there to cheer my heart out.
i miss the echoing.
i miss the rowing.
i miss you.
and you.
and all of you.
i don't know what else to say.
but really.
this feeling isn't something one can put words to.
it's just too special.
and i love my team.
i love this team.
i love ur team.
i don't even know if i can call it my team anymore.
i'm not a senior anymore am i?
i'm not anything anymore.
i'm just an outsider i guess.
today was just depressing.
i was really afraid to tell u guys tt i was going to quit.
i didn't know how you will react.
i really didn't dare to face it.
i can't.
i don't wanna leave just like that.
i knew it was coming.
i just tried to make up excuses for myself.
to believe it wouldn't happen.
to believe it wouldn't end like tt.
to lie to myself tt it's alright.
but it isn't.
it really isn't.
i didn't want to tell you ling ling.
i didn't want to talk to you.
i didn't dare to face you guys.
i feel responsible for leaving you guys.
i don't have a choice.
i can't choose.
we came.
we saw you guys do push ups.
i decided i should make myself scarce.
my presence didn't seem to help.
my encouragement didn't seem to matter.
i saw your face.
that face of unhappiness.
i didn't know if u were angry.
i didn't know if u hated me.
i didn't know if u blamed me.
i was scared.
i hid.
i waited.
we waited.
til training ended.
we met many grand seniors.
they asked.
we cried.
i cried.
i didn't want to face it.
i can't bear to leave.
no.
i can't.
it's not easy.
they tried to comfort.
but the more they spoke.
the more i cried.
i saw u.
i cried.
i was scared that it was my fault.
when i heard that you didn't want to hear anything.
for fear of crying.
my heart sank.
i couldn't help it.
i cried.
i couldn't keep those feelings inside.
i love this team.
i love it.
i don't want to leave.
but i have to.
i finally plucked up the courage.
spoke to the girls team.
even before i spoke.
ling ling cried.
i cried.
we hugged.
liyanna cried.
margy teared.
i tried to compose myself.
i had to explain.
i was not about to leave my team.
and not tel them my reason.
i had to tell them what has been bothering me the past few months.
since nationals.
i told them.
aussie.
aussie's the cause of it.
irritating.
parents who can't decide.
parents who can't think.
like retarded.
sigh.
i thankyou for understanding.
i thankyou for caring.
we hugged.
cried.
guys joined soon.
del spoke.
we listened.
we cried even more.
we hugged somemore.
later.
we had our group hug.
without jia.
how i wished she was there to give me my final group hug.
i missed her presence.
i saw the sadness on their faces.
i was sad too.
i guess.
it's over for me.
i'll never be part of it.
i'm sorry.
my life sucks.
i miss you.
i really do.
jia you.
work hard.
push hard.
train hard.
row hard.
no giving up.
fight all the way.
see swah!
however u spell that.
i love you all.
everyone of you.
i love weiling.
i love liyanna.
i love margy.
i love delly.
i love jiajia.
i love junni.
naddy. benji. sherman man. chong. yihang. taufiq. zhezhe. kenny.
yes.
all of you.
my team.
my ex-team i guess.

ling ling:
promise me you'll be strong.
be firm in doing what you have to do.
command tha respect from all.
yet also be someone everyone can turn to for support.
jia you ling ling.
still can!
(:

liyanna:
hey. i love cheering with you.
encouraging each other during our runs.
and i'll always remember the push ups u did with me.
our little cornflakes seesions.
munching away.
u too gotta be strong.
the team needs u.
yah?
train hard!
fight hard!

margy:
sigh. we've been through so much together.
and i guess.
all the dboat stuff have made us stronger.
i really love doing silly stuff with you.
twirling around.
laughing like mad.
margy. keep it up.
keep on pushing yourself.
i'm really proud of what you've become.
keep pushing. (:

delly:
wow. time really flies when we're having fun.
sigh. it's time for our departure.
gone are those days.
faded memories.
i love ur laughter and ur warped thinking.
haha. u never fail to amaze me.
delly. let's go back together.
train together.
even though we're not officially part of the team.
we'll sneak in every monday.
hee hee hee.
(:

jiajia:
sigh. we've been through so much.
everything!
rowed in "darling" together.
rowed dboat together sometimes too.
ran together.
did silly things together.
swam together.
did warm ups together.
circuits together.
):
i will really miss you a whole lot.
i will really miss training with you.
i love training with you.
nvm. i'll still get to see u everyday.
(tt's if i don't end up in smelly aussie)
jiajia. you're the one i'm most worried about.
i really pray you'll pull urself together real soon.
and be strong my dear.
i believe in you.
you can do it.
lai ah!
(:

junni:
happy malaysia-ing.
study hard my dear.
miss shopping with you.
miss your mtv with ling ling.
miss ur singing.
miss your nonsense.
miss your smile.
miss you lots.

to the whole girls team:
i love you.
thank you for everything.
the memories.
the love.
the care.
the experience.
the journey.
the spirit.
the excitement.
the joy.
i love every moment with you.
ling. liyanna. margy. del. jia. junni.

naddy:
thanx for being my buddy.
thanx for all the support.
thanx for everything.
the haribo.
the ears of urs.
when i complain.
when i cry.
when i tell u all my problems.
when i try to keep stuff from you.
u always seem to know when i'm down.
thank you for everything.
we'll always be buddies yeah?
(:

benji:
hello. big tall friendly giant.
(: vice capt! you got work to do!
(: keep the sweets well.
haha.
yeah. train hard ok?
thanx for being benji.

sherman man:
gay!
hee.
yeah. thanx for the short conversation we had on sat morning.
thanx for the numerous taxi rides
tell ur bro i said hi.
sherman man.
stop acting gay.
but i guess u can't.
cause tt's just you.
and u make me laugh.
with all ur silly actions and thoughts. (:
funny boy.
i was really happy when i heard why u stayed.
and i'm proud of you.
all the way sherman!

chong:
hey.
we've been through rough patches.
the huge misunderstanding.
but it's over.
and i wanna thank you for making this year unique.
yes.
i believe you've achieved much.
keep striving.
keep working at it.
still can!

yihang:
stop scratching lah.
haha.
yeps.
strong boy.
keep working.
keep the passion there.
jia you!

taufiq:
hey.
i'm not sure if you're still staying.
but whatever it is.
thanx for being part of it all.
(:

kenny:
hey.
i guess it's over for us both too.
missed you.
missed all ur nonsense though.
hee
still see u around sch.
and i'm quite happy they we still say hi and greet each other.
(:
don't really know how you're doing.
but yah.
all the best.
(:

zhe zhe:
nice shoulders!
heh heh.
and it's a good thing ur class has gotten over the "we all have a crush on zhe zhe" phase.
heehee.
yeps.
happy string ensembling.
happy sc3ing.
don't really know how you're doing either.
(:
all the best.

to the whole team of AC 05:
LET'S GO AC!
LAI AH AC!
STILL CAN!
POWER!
(:

i'll be here to support you.
let's go!
(:
missing you.
(:

[ Jude whispered ][ 9:33 PM ]

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